issues > friends' & family's responses > avoiding blame

Avoiding blame

In his experience as the head of the Family Violence, Child Protection and Sexual Offences Unit in South Africa, Superintendent Andre Neethling notes that 99 percent of people who are sexually assaulted usually blame themselves.

He says this usually manifests in questions such as: "But why did I open the door to this person?" or "Why did I offer this person water and food?" or "Why did I get into the car with this person who offered me a lift after I was stuck next to the road?"

"What we try and tell these people is that nobody is to be blamed, [except] the person who perpetrated the crime. We live in a society where we cannot just distrust everybody. We cannot go through life distrusting everybody."

Journalist and rape survivor Charlene Smith comments: "The worst thing that anyone can ask you after you’ve been raped is why? They don’t ask it of anyone who’s experienced any other violent crime. They don’t ask it in a hijacking. After a hijacking, nobody says to you, 'Did you give him the keys? You gave him the keys? We’re not going to accept the charge. We’re not going to accept your insurance claim because you gave away the family car.' And a hijacking might be three minutes.

"In a bank robbery, banks who spend millions on security will say 'Do whatever the robbers say. If they want the money, give them the money. If they tell you to lie on the floor, lay on the floor. Do what they say.' Bank robbery’s usually last about twenty minutes.

"In a rape, which on average will last three to four hours, afterwards everybody says to us, 'Why did you do this? Why didn’t you do that? Why were you dressed like that? Why did you walk down that street? Why did you speak to that person? Why didn’t you close the door? Why did you trust that person? Why, why?'

"Why is a blame word and anybody who says ‘why?’ to a woman after she’s been raped should be shot. It’s outrageous because if you use that why? word to a woman raped she’s going to start saying why to herself, and even if she knows that it’s impossible for her to have done something else, she’s got all these people that are saying why? so she starts doubting herself. Why are we asking why? of the person who was raped?

"Why aren’t we asking 'why' about the rapist? Why aren’t we asking 'why' about a society that does so little to stop rape? Why aren’t we asking 'why do people ask the stupid question?' Why is there so little sensitivity with regard to people who’ve gone through that? And I think somehow they expect women to fight. You also get these stupid people who want us to go to self-defence classes and they say, 'Well why didn’t you fight?' Well, then, you know bank robbery, you’ve usually got more people in the bank than the robbers so why doesn’t everyone in the bank attack your three or four bank robbers and fight them, you know? I mean is this is a sensible question to ask?

"I think the more open that we are about rape, the more open that we as rape survivors are, and speak about it, and when a person says to us why, then we say to them well can you suggest what you should have done or else just ignore them, leave behind the negative."

Laura's son Michael says, "[I have learnt now that] the mere fact that they wear certain types of clothing or if they agree to go on a date or something like that does not in any way ever constitute a yes to any form of violence or attack."